Dah-Dah-Dah

Debt, doubt, and, what was that last one? Despair! Debt, doubt, and despair. Debt, doubt, and despair. Tell the crowd, while capitalizing on the 'd' sounds. Debt. Doubt. And...despair.

Exorcising the Writing Demon

Get a job! Chase the American Dream! But for God's sake, throw that childish bullshit about being a writer out the window.

One Los Angeles novelist attempted to do just that. Orgasmo.

Disney's Accommodating Policies

leave no one dissatisfied. 

Either wear mouse ears, or work out of sight

Even Noah Had A Little Help From His Friends

If that makes you feel better about selling out, then paste this picture to your wall or clip it to the corner of your bathroom mirror. Noah sold out. Moses probably did too, but with him, we just don't have the proof. And who sponsored the cross the Roman's pinned Jesus to?

Dutch man builds modern day Noah's ark

A Tribute From An Undisclosed Area of Northern Europe

My good friend and mentor, Hubert Humdinger, has become interested in attributing quotes to pictures of the people who said them.

I've become his test subject. He enjoyed my take on Maria Shriver's "bad energy" ranch, and he, as an exiled cultural philosopher, desperately wished he'd whipped up the idea himself.

But you didn't, you old buzzard! I told him over the phone. You're losing it!

He's dead now

but in 1970, he was very much alive. He made his living being a technician water god.

His name? Never mind. It's not important, Bubba. He died from drinking dirty water filled with fluoride, chlorine, sex hormones, and mood enhancers. Yuck! he should have said. But no, he didn't complain. He was a good little boy. Like the rest of us. Good boys and girls. We won't complain.

Well, then, poison yourselves!

Seekers of Agartha

scour the Gobi Desert for the secret doorway. Because outer earth is run by madmen and diseased whores, starving the masses of true spirituality and freedom.

I will too search out Agartha's astral threshold, in due time, but first I must properly adjust my light quotient and purify my motives, or the Knights of Inner Earth will refuse entrance.

They don't take money, or else fools would gain access.

120 Pounds of Pure

destruction. Read about the newest petite bomb that can obliterate a culture in about three minutes and thirty seconds.

Cannibalism Is A Part Of Many Different Species

Like Mormon crickets and English Royalty.

What happened to Dick Cheney's old heart? Ask the Queen!

You Just Wouldn't BELIEVE How Much Money I've Got

You couldn't fathom it, my friend. I can't even wrap my head around it. And it's my money! I'm telling you, folks, you just wouldn't be able to grasp how much I've actually got.

I could kill myself, that's how dizzy I get trying to understand it.

To Handle That New 2012 Buick LaCrosse

You need a goddamned Brodie knob installed on the steering wheel. Read about the dangerous electric power steering mechanism that is going to get somebody killed while driving the LaCrosse.

The Masses Are Singing

About Queen Elizabeth II's Cannibalism

*here*

The Crown Was Too Big for the Queen

and even with her fluffed curls, it didn't set right atop her head. So they saved the crown for the next best thing. It's been setting in the Windsor Castle's backyard since 1954, and God still hasn't even tried it on.

He Doesn't Look Like He's Dead, But He Is

I assure you. But he's still dreaming. Death is a game. A fairy tale for children. Real souls don't die. Good, honest souls don't perish.

From Very Volatile Russia, to Dear Dirty America, death is but a dream.

The Proto-Type for A Much Larger Los Angeles Endeavor

If we could make that the size of a whole city block, the L.A. mayor thought, we'd have a serious facility where homeless folks could do their business without hassle from police and shop keepers.

For America's city officials, this would be called a light bulb moment.

New bathroom facility for L.A. homeless to be giant sandbox

In the Early Days of the Roman Empire This Coin

could buy you a new car with a luxury package. Today, you can't give the damn thing away.

Giant Nipple On the Edge of the Sea

They didn't realize it, until they stood back to survey their work. One of them mentioned they might have used blue. The construction crew shook their heads. Can't see blue, from afar on the sea. Well there she be looking like an old giant rubbed-red raw nipple next to the edge of the sea. I don't see how that's much better, the one said.

While the rest of them agreed, nobody seemed to think it was an awfully big problem. Give them sailor boys something to salivate over.

You Want My Walking Stick?

And these shoes and socks and cape and coat? What else you want? I'll hand it over! 

Can You Spot the Terrorist In This Picture?

You'd better look harder. You'd better LOOK HARDER. YOU'D BETTER LOOK HARDER!

"I Eat Lots of Meat!"

"That's why I can stand on my head and hold my breath for sixteen minutes. Meat makes you big and strong. Especially human meat. Nothing more powerful than that!"