They'll Stomp Your Dog To Death

Guardian llamas. Good and bad. Pros and cons.

CNN Responds To State Department's Criticism

of how they used slain ambassador Christopher Steven's journal to impart information on the subject to the masses.

Problem is, nobody watches CNN anymore.

These Rich Women With Their Floppy Hats

It's a type of woman, and they'll take you over.

DiGiorno Pizza & Cookies

means you've landed in the land of the free, and home of the brave. Reaping the benefits of a free market.

Of Course Moses Had Tattoos

But finding a picture of him with his robe off isn't easy to find.

47% Of You Are Hopeless Losers

and I'm not sorry for saying it!

Trying to Stop WWIII

Moby Dick rumored to be destroying US battleships in the Strait of Hormuz. Israel claims the great white whale is Iranian by nature. The rest of the world says the whale is just a whale with no national allegiances of any kind.

Either way, the battleships are in place. 

First Thing You Do When You Wake Up

is dump the contents you deposited in your old bed pan during the middle of the night into the alleyway below. You don't even look out the window anymore to be certain nobody is in the way.

You are from the Middle Ages, and you live like a dog.

Getting out of bed.

Sure Feels Good To Be A Human, You Want To Say

but don't get sentimental about it. Keep it to yourself.

Race That Motherfucker To Mars

the better solution to 9/11

Any Dumbfuck Can Drive A Powerboat

but sailing takes brains

It's Damn Trendy

to be such a bad actor

She Adopted Me

like a pet rabbit. After we met online.

Space Shuttle Endeavour Blew Through

your neighborhood, but you didn't have a chance to catch it. Your neighbors said it was a "pretty fascinating" twenty seconds. Seeing the five story space shuttle yanked through your city's streets. Its wings knocking over all the trees.

Decades worth of natural desecration.

Space shuttle Endeavour makes its final destructive mission

Here's the Money

I expect a pleasant show of enthusiasm.

You Had the Beach House In Malibu

and the crisp Benjamins and the quirky escort service girls and the martinis and a view of the Pacific Ocean. You've lunched with the Danny DeVitos and the Naomi Wattses.

You've also lived in the slums. You've seen people die. You've chased the American Dream.