You'll stand just like this when the other army shows up

and they'll stand good and tidy just like you. Naturally we'll let them take the first shot, then it'll be our turn. By God, we might lick 'em this time.

Margaret's hernia made it nearly impossible

to hit the high note every. single. time.

You boys are going to be so much happier

to get off the land, get settled, and start being Americans. It's gonna change your life. I've got two words for you: Betty Crocker.

I had my girlfriend over last night

credit: Jimbo Wales

and me and her pretty much solved the federal budget crisis in just under an hour. It's like, duh, Obama.

To get the dream house, he worked hard, took an extra shift, forced his wife to find a better job, hardly saw the kids,

and then he died a little earlier than expected.

Donald Trump is a piece of trash

credit: Gage Skidmore

..but then again, so are the rest of us.

It started as a party trick

and ended as an experience for the community:

I published many great books, then I got old and I died

You will too.

With all this talk about terrorism

I'm sure glad we had some relevant literature in the bomb shelter.

Yeah, I know you know that we send weapons to ISIS

but if you knew what I knew and how I came to know it, you'd understand that I'm doing what's right.

It's 7PM...do you know where your cat is?

Let's get serious. The predators are real.

They Asked Me To Do Larry David Years Ago

And I said, Hello no!

My Servant Almost Reminds Me of My Husband

Who was, if you'll remember, the first, first black president.

To Everyone Who Says I Couldn't Have Read the TPP As A Senator Because It's Secret

I'll let you in on a little secret. I helped plan it while with the Council on Foreign Relations.

Oh Glorious Cookies & Cream!

It's Hillary's favorite ice cream.