Can you eat it all

and still go shopping the next day?

The Sweat In Your Pizza

Can you taste the hard work? Can your distinguish from the cheese and pepperoni that taste of musk from the drops of sweat that rolled off the wet forehead of the man who spread the toppings on your behemoth pizza?

Thank the wage slaves who made it possible.

Good job! You voted

for Wall Street.

We could really blast off into deep space

if only we didn't have to spend all our money killing all the terrorists first.

You people

have lost your vision.

Rising tide of chaos in the Middle East

should not be blamed on Barack Obama or George Bush Jr, but instead on Pluto moving into Capricorn.

Here's your endorsement: I wear a special pair of Nikes

just to use the toilet.

There are plenty of other young men to prey on

...it's kind of silly to be hung up on just one of them.

So stately & corporate looking

during the debate. You could hardly guess how willing they are to blow up other countries.

I've been handled

and re-handled, mishandled and handed over, and handed back again. I've been promoted for my handleability, and chastised for my handlelessness and losing my handle and shaving my head.

Here's your fame. Here's your American Dream.

Hottest Colors for Fall: Navy Blue On Top of Black

I suspect the trend will last through Winter.

"The Captain Hasn't Shat For Days...

he's determined to hold it as long as he can."

At Least She's Happy

That's more than you can say about yourself. Whatever your American Dream happens to be, find it.

You've Never Heard It Speak

because you've never listened.

Jobs jobs jobs jobs jobs

jobs jobs. Jobs jobs. Jobs. Jobs jobs. Jobs jobs jobs jobs. Jobs.

You thought you were too old for this to happen again

but then you heard of the NDAA bill.

The Left Hand Is Not The Best Hand

while on the campaign trail.

But I've Pissed In Carrie Fisher's Bathroom!

You can't keep me in here!

They'll Stomp Your Dog To Death

Guardian llamas. Good and bad. Pros and cons.

CNN Responds To State Department's Criticism

of how they used slain ambassador Christopher Steven's journal to impart information on the subject to the masses.

Problem is, nobody watches CNN anymore.

These Rich Women With Their Floppy Hats

It's a type of woman, and they'll take you over.

DiGiorno Pizza & Cookies

means you've landed in the land of the free, and home of the brave. Reaping the benefits of a free market.

Of Course Moses Had Tattoos

But finding a picture of him with his robe off isn't easy to find.

47% Of You Are Hopeless Losers

and I'm not sorry for saying it!

Trying to Stop WWIII

Moby Dick rumored to be destroying US battleships in the Strait of Hormuz. Israel claims the great white whale is Iranian by nature. The rest of the world says the whale is just a whale with no national allegiances of any kind.

Either way, the battleships are in place. 

First Thing You Do When You Wake Up

is dump the contents you deposited in your old bed pan during the middle of the night into the alleyway below. You don't even look out the window anymore to be certain nobody is in the way.

You are from the Middle Ages, and you live like a dog.

Getting out of bed.

Sure Feels Good To Be A Human, You Want To Say

but don't get sentimental about it. Keep it to yourself.

Race That Motherfucker To Mars

the better solution to 9/11

Any Dumbfuck Can Drive A Powerboat

but sailing takes brains

It's Damn Trendy

to be such a bad actor

She Adopted Me

like a pet rabbit. After we met online.

Space Shuttle Endeavour Blew Through

your neighborhood, but you didn't have a chance to catch it. Your neighbors said it was a "pretty fascinating" twenty seconds. Seeing the five story space shuttle yanked through your city's streets. Its wings knocking over all the trees.

Decades worth of natural desecration.

Space shuttle Endeavour makes its final destructive mission

Here's the Money

I expect a pleasant show of enthusiasm.

You Had the Beach House In Malibu

and the crisp Benjamins and the quirky escort service girls and the martinis and a view of the Pacific Ocean. You've lunched with the Danny DeVitos and the Naomi Wattses.

You've also lived in the slums. You've seen people die. You've chased the American Dream.  

Hard work & the American Dream

let us tell you about it. Shh! Listen up!

Murray Miners forced to listen to Mitt Romney. Give up your day of pay.

LA traffic snarled for hours so famous people can pay $45,000 a plate to watch their Supreme Commander speak.

Fascism with a smile.

Yes, I Sent Your Jobs Overseas

but if you elect me as president, I'm going to tell you how to get them back.

She doesn't look Egyptian

But the wrapping similarities intriguing.

I feel like a snake that has shed its skin

"...except that I’m the skin and not the snake.”

Damn. 

Back When Nut Wards Were Respectable

"Insane Asylum, New Orleans, Louisiana, corner Marigny and Old Levee streets, 3rd District, 1864"

And you could sit around and read Dostoevsky all day and go to bed early.

Brandon Raub sent to nut ward for unruly Facebook posts

Teaching Artists To Use Guns

Because that is the first skill they should acquire

When Your Radio Spits Out Marxist Propaganda

It had been playing tinny music only a minute ago! But then a crackle, a snarl, and then a gruff female voice breaks into the regularly broadcast tunes. It says:

The future of the world rests in the hands of America. The future of America rests on the backs of 80,000,000 working men and women and their children. We are facing a grave crisis in our national life. The few who profit from the labor of the masses want to organize the workers into an army which will protect the interests of the capitalists. You are urged to add to the heavy burdens you already bear the burden of a larger army and many additional warships. It is in your power to refuse to carry the artillery and the dread-noughts and to shake off some of the burdens, too, such as limousines, steam yachts and country estates. You do not neet to make a great noise about it. With the silence and dignity of creators you can end wars and the system of selfishness and exploitation that causes wars. All you need to do to bring about this stupendous revolution is to straighten up and fold your arms.

Dear Jesus! you say. Is that Helen Keller, or who? Give me back my fucking music. Give me back my Elvis Presleys. And cut it out with the Marxist propaganda! 

Morning Gossip:

The only kind of education those kids get up there in Yale is the sexual kind.

Let me tell you

"If only she knew how big of a bitch she is all the time, she would break down in a tremendous show of despair. What a bitch. Capital 'b'. Itch."

"Why don't you tell her?"

"I ain't going to tell her! I don't want to make her feel bad!"

Dah-Dah-Dah

Debt, doubt, and, what was that last one? Despair! Debt, doubt, and despair. Debt, doubt, and despair. Tell the crowd, while capitalizing on the 'd' sounds. Debt. Doubt. And...despair.

Exorcising the Writing Demon

Get a job! Chase the American Dream! But for God's sake, throw that childish bullshit about being a writer out the window.

One Los Angeles novelist attempted to do just that. Orgasmo.

Even Jesus Had Sponsors

Disney's Accommodating Policies

leave no one dissatisfied. 

Either wear mouse ears, or work out of sight

Even Noah Had A Little Help From His Friends

If that makes you feel better about selling out, then paste this picture to your wall or clip it to the corner of your bathroom mirror. Noah sold out. Moses probably did too, but with him, we just don't have the proof. And who sponsored the cross the Roman's pinned Jesus to?

Dutch man builds modern day Noah's ark

A Tribute From An Undisclosed Area of Northern Europe

My good friend and mentor, Hubert Humdinger, has become interested in attributing quotes to pictures of the people who said them.

I've become his test subject. He enjoyed my take on Maria Shriver's "bad energy" ranch, and he, as an exiled cultural philosopher, desperately wished he'd whipped up the idea himself.

But you didn't, you old buzzard! I told him over the phone. You're losing it!

I Use Logic To Get to the Door

but I use MAGIC to open it!